Nothing Sacred In These Hills....

I will tell you a fact, my friends.  There is no slack of rich gossip up here in this holler.  I just heard something that would make a coon cut a shine.  I was told (by someone who shall remain nameless as she would kill me if I let it be known she is a gossip) ole Harvey, two hollers over from mine, was caught in the act of doing something rather strange, even by holler standards. 

Apparently, Harvey’s best friend Joon Bug was passing Harvey’s barn the other day when he sees Harvey doing a slow, sensual striptease in front of his old John Deere tractor. Shocked, Joon Bug stood motionless, fixated on what was taking place inside.

 

Harvey was clenching his buttocks and performing a slow pirouette while gently sliding off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing his torn and stained cotton shirt.

Then, clutching both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his T-shirt underneath that looked like it had enjoyed a couple of suppers. As if he were listening to his own internal music leading up to a grand finale, Harvey then tears the T-Shirt from his body, tosses it high, and then with wild abandon hurls his hat onto a pile of winter wood.

Having seen enough and afraid of what he might see next, Joon Bug went busting into the barn and yelled, “Harvey! What in the world’re doin’ there, buddy?”

Harvey, obviously stunned and embarrassed, snapped back with, “Darn it, Joon Bug, you spooked the crap outta me but let me tell you what I’m adoin’. I know this may look mighty strange but me and the little woman been havin’ a few problems in the bedroom d’partment. She wanted me to see a ther’pist and made me promise I would do just exactly like he tole me to do so I am.

“Now Harv. Somethin' ain't quiet right here. I want ya to think really hard. What in th’ world did he tell ya to do?

“Well, he told me to go home and do somethin' sexy to a tracter.”

(I so wanted to give acknowledgment to the original author of this adapted-to-the-Roan joke but it seems everyone on the Internet is taking credit for it.)