Sunday, August 23, 2015

Captain Jack's is Where It's At

I finally decided this morning I’d better take a lick at my Christmas decorating, at least getting the front entrance to our property decked out. With gusto I gathered the wreath, my scissors and my…where the heck is my florist wire?
Not to worry. That just meant I could make a quick trip down to Captain Jack’s.  Now for those of you who are in the dark, Captain Jack’s is the local gathering hole for hot coffee and gossip.

It is also an awesome place renowned for selling the best broasted chicken this side of heaven as well as an assortment of anything one could get if they are low on it… from farm fresh eggs, rat poisoning, self serve gas to the occasional batch of homemade candy.

I always enjoy going to Jack’s place. I have never met the man himself but I have heard fascinating things about him; he is a legend up here in these mountains.

I do know he must stay, when at the store, behind a door that leads into somewhere mysterious; in reality, I am beginning to believe Jack is a myth.
I have thought on occasion about walking boldly over to that door, rapping loudly and marching in to say hello. I won’t though... because I am a coward.
I will give this to Captain Jack. He is a master at hiring people.

He has the most courteous and kindly staff who, from the first time you come around, will remember your name as well as any tiny detail they can ferret out of ya, and then they build a history of you and greet you like family each and every time you come in. It did not take me long to learn that a pretty, young (and always dreadfully busy) woman named Amber was the anchor 'round there. I heard through the grapevine she is Captain Jack's beloved niece.

When I arrived, the parking lot was filled as usual with cars and pick-up trucks and when entering  the store I saw three hunters in camouflage huddled back behind the window-front cooler that housed such delicacies as logs of bologna, cole slaw and deviled eggs. With typical Roan Mountain courtesy they all greeted me with a hearty "Good mornin' ma'am."

Then the guys lapsed back into an animated conversation. They obviously were lamenting the fact a fellow hunter named Jake was not going to be joining them. When the tallest guy in the group asked why, a big burly fella said his wife would not let him. This bit of news was followed by a couple of grunts and one "Naaw!"

With amusement, I envisioned a tiny wife standing up to this macho group of hunter/killers and 'putting her foot down' regarding her man going hunting this day! I moseyed on down the aisle to the back of the store looking for my wire.

Finding it and also picking up some needed thumbtacks and clothespins, I headed to the front of the store to check out, excited to start my decorating.
All of a sudden the door flew open and another hunter rushed in.
"Jake!" "Hey man, we didn’t think you were going to be able to go with us!" "What happened?"

Jake, with a huge grin on his face gushed, "Guys, you are never gonna believe this but after Lilly told me yesterday I couldn’t go with ya’ll huntin’ today, she musta started feelin’ pretty bad about it.
When I woke up this mornin’, she’d fixed me a big skillet of sausage gravy and cat eye biscuits. And then while I was scarfin' that down, she slipped outta the kitchen and went back into the bedroom."

Jake continued with fervor. "Listen, have you guys ever heard of that book 'Fifty Shades of Grey?' Well, she's been readin' it. It must be a book about how to treat your man. So after I finished eatin' I walked into the bedroom where there was scented candles burnin' and rose petals scattered 'round. And listen to this! There laid Lilly on the bed, flat naked with this red feather boa laying crossed her."

The big burly guy, apparently taken aback by what he was hearing, declared,  "My gawd almighty man!" 

Now there I stood well within earshot of this 'fascinating' conversation, in line to pay for my items.  I was really beginning to get uncomfortable as I felt my face turning fifty shades of red. Dear God, help me get my stuff paid for and get me out of here!
But Jake continued on in spite of the fact the other guys were beginning to laugh raucously.
"So Lilly then said to me with a sly smile, 'Honey, here's some handcuffs and a rope. I want you to tie me up. What the heck! Well, I mean, what could I say?
So I did and then she said to me in a whisper... now I want you to do whatever you want to do, Jake."

"So, here I am boys, shotgun loaded."

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